Just like most people, I have always dreamt of being loved unconditionally. I wanted to be loved despite all of my flaws, mood swings, and weaknesses. I wanted to feel accepted without judgment. I hoped to find people that would choose to stay with me, even on my worst days.
I battled with the idea of unconditional love growing up and carried this battle with me through adulthood. I grew up trying to earn the love of others around me.
My mom found out that she was pregnant with me when she was only 19 years old. She thought about having an abortion at first, which was encouraged by her mother, but after some convincing from other people, she ended up changing her mind on the day of the scheduled procedure.
After she had me, she decided to leave the country and I was left in the care of her parents. After a few years, my biological mom found out that I was being abused and came back to remove me from their care. Afterward, she left the country again for work and I had to stay behind. I moved around for a bit until I finally settled with my great-aunt’s family, whom I now consider as my parents.
My mom promised before she left that one day she would come back for me, but that day never came. I did not hear from her until one day I found out that she already had a new family in the States. My dad also moved out of the country only a few years after my mom left. I did not meet him until I was around 11 years old, but he also already had his own family and settled down in Europe.
Although I eventually found a family that took me in and loved me like their own, I struggled with the idea of being loved unconditionally. Growing up I would hear remarks from others that made me question if I belonged. I received the message that I was a burden. I grew up being compared to others around me, and I repeatedly received the message that I was not good enough.
I felt that if I wanted to be accepted and loved, then I should earn it. I felt that my worth was based on my accomplishments and if I was being “good”.
I wanted so badly to feel that I belonged and that I was NOT an outsider, just trying to fit in. I feared that I would be left alone again if I became a burden to others.
I carried this feeling with me into every relationship that I built moving forward, whether it was in my friendships, romantic relationships, or with family members, I believed that I needed to work hard to be enough so that others would see me as worthy of being loved.
I was in college when the person I was dating for years at that time, whom I thought was going to be my husband, one day decided that he did not want to be with me anymore. He wanted to pursue his dreams and he viewed me as a hindrance to obtaining that dream. I felt that my world collapse. I had built my plans for the future around him, and I thought that I was a part of his world too.
I felt very lost and blamed myself for everything that went wrong. I thought that I must have done something wrong. If I would have worked harder to be a better girlfriend, maybe he would not have left, and maybe I would have been enough.
In my brokenness that is where God found me. I was reached out to by a few students that were part of a campus ministry at the University that I was attending at that time. God placed people in my life that allowed me to experience His perfect love when I felt unwanted and unloved.
After over a year from the day I was reached out to, I learned about God’s character and His love for me. The more I got to know Him, the more I was able to identify the lies that Satan fed me throughout my childhood that I carried to adulthood.
God showed me through His words the TRUTH:
- God showed me that His love is unconditional.
- I do not have to work hard to earn His love because He already loved me first.
- He is consistent.
- He does not leave when it is inconvenient.
- He does not just decide that He doesn’t want me anymore, even during my worst days.
- On days that I might be hard to love, He continues to pursue me.
- His love does not change based on my accomplishments.
- And my worth is not based on the things that I can or cannot do.
Satan might make me feel that I do not belong, but God calls me His. I am His daughter, and He loves me very much.
“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” ~ Isaiah 43:1 (ESV)
It took me awhile to view love as God intended it to be, and I still have my days where I might struggle to accept that I am loved and that I belong without me having to earn it. But God continues to pursue me and meet me where I’m at without fail. He continues to remind me of His unfailing love every single time that doubt creeps into my thoughts. He has freed me from the lies that Satan made me believe about what LOVE, real love, should be.
“LOVE is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)
About the Author
Hi friends, my name is Kath Del Rosario. I was born in the Philippines and earned a B.S. in Public Relations. I am currently a graduate student at Illinois State University, majoring in Communication Studies. A fun fact about me is that I love slam poetry and have a dog, named Raffy.
What a beautiful testament to the Lord’s unconditional love 💕 Thank you for sharing your story, Kath!